Three golfers die and go to heaven, St Peter tells them that they can golf for eternity, but if they hit one of the ducks that live on the course they will be punished. Though they try to be carefull, one of the glofer’s hand slips and he hits a duck. St Peter chains him to a hideous woman and tells them that they are chained together for eternity. The other two golfers are extra careful after that, but one day one of them gets careless and hits a
duck. St Peter chains him to a hideous woman and tells them that they will be like that for eternity. So the last golfer is incredibly careful, he actually makes a point of swinging at the ball and missing a few times before he shoots just to warn the ducks. So he is really surprised when St Peter chains him to a beautiful drop-dead gorgeous babe. “What did I do to deserve this?” he wonders out loud.
“Well I don’t know about you” says the woman “But I hit a duck.”
A couple are going out to a resteraunt, they’re all dressed up, they’ve booked a table, put the cat out and called a taxi. But as they walk out the door the cat rushes in! So the woman walks out to the taxi while the man goes to chase the cat out. But the woman doesn’t want anyone to know that the house will be empty so she tells the taxi driver “He’s just going to say goodbye to my mother.” at that moment the man comes out looking annoyed.
“Sorry I took so long.” he says “Stupid thing was under the bed, I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her out!”
A man really hates his wife’s cat, so he decides to get rid of it. He puts the cat in his car, drives to the next street and puts the cat on the side of the road and drives off. He gets back just as the cat is walking up the driveway. So the next day he drives to the next town, drops the cat off and drives off, only to get back just as the cat is walking through the catflap. So this time he takes the cat and drives to the next town, but rather than just driving straight there he uses all the back roads and ends up on the other side of the next town. A few hours later his girlfriend gets a phonecall from her boyfriend: “Hi, is the cat there.”
“Well put it on the phone, I need directions!”